Tuesday Night March 28th 1854

I feel dull, and sad enough, to-night—I have nearly had the Blues, for the last two days, and the cause I know but too well—Let me see if I can remember any thing worth writing since Thursday, or I should have said Saturday—I know I feel like, I know nothing at all—Sunday morning, Mr Dancy came up, and went to Church with us, Annie Hinton came home from Church with us—left about ½ 4, or five—I of course, did not attend Church in the after-noon—After ten Col Tucker, and Mr Tucker came up, and spent the evening, I enjoyed it about as usual—(my eyes pain me so, I feel so badly, me me,) Monday I have forgotten all about, guess, I spent it in reading, or working—Tuesday morning, I went over and commenced by painting lessons again, I do not think, the piece I am painting at present, very pretty—it is moon light—in the evening, I went down, down, by myself, Mother had company, I called in to see Mary Haywood as I returned—Wednesday I was in bed nearly all day, I had a dreadful sick headache, Thursday I worked all the morning—took a walk in the evening—I forgot to say I wrote Annie Grimes Tuesday night, also wrote my last letter to Eliza Thompson, how soon, to-day weeks, she enters entirely a new life, that every joy, this world can give may be theirs, may their wedded life be free from distrust, and all that can mar their happiness, and comfort—Friday I had the tooth-ache pretty badly—Saturday morning, I did not get up ‘til quite late, I was sleeping very sweetly, when some one came in, and said Cousin Jessie, had come, I came down, as soon as I could, and was very glad to hear see him, Mr Willie Hall, & Mr Nicholson (Mollie’s beau) called to see me, I like the latter quite well what I know of him, though I think him, rather affected—After dinner, Mother and the children, (Cousin Jessie included), went down town, I was not ready to go, so about 4, I walked down by myself—went to the dancing school, a short time, to Dr Scotts, Mr Tuckers, and then came home—after ten, Mr Nicholson, and Mr [Guion], called up to see us, I spent a pleasant evening—I had the tooth ache, quite bad, all day, and night, & Sunday it was so windy, I was afraid to go out—Cousin Jesse came up, to go to church with us—I sent Mr Engelhard, Helen Johnsons daguerreotype by Mr Nicholson—I also let him take off Mollie’s, don’t know, what I did exactly right, but can’t help it now, he said he would bring it back this week—Monday morning I spent at work—when Mother returned from down town, she told us she saw—Cousin Jessie, drunk, down town, he told us he expected to go after dinner, if he did not he would come up again and see us—oh! me, when I heard it, although I know he was not firm enough—when Mother told me I felt as if I could go off and cry all day long, and I could not help thinking of him all day, I wish I could have had a long talk with him before he left, I do not know that it would have done the least good, nor do I know that he would have taken it, as it was spoken coming from my heart, I pray God may protect him, and change him—poor Coussin Kate it would break her heart—Oh! Cousin Jessie, how can you do so? I wish, how fervently, that there was not, one drop, of the poisonous, killing, heart-breaking, degrading, and foul drink, in this world, truly the past has called it—“The dark beverage of Hell.” When I look at my dear sweet little Brother, and think how much firmness he will need, and love for home and its inmates, (for I cannot believe that drunkards have any, feeling or love) As well, as deeply, as truly and devotedly as I love him, I would rather see him dead now, when I know he would always be good, & happy than, to know he would live, and go on as some of the young men of this place, breaking his Mother & Sisters hearts, and killing them day by day, oh it is dreadful! I hate the very name of liquor of any kind, hate is too calm a word to express what I feel—“I loathe—abhor—my very soul With stormy disgust is stor’d”— And I do say Raleigh is one, if not the worst place in the world to corrupt a young man, I hope my Cousin will stay away, although I would like very much to see him, if it was any where else—Keep from thinking about it I cannot, and feeling sad too, it was one o’clock before I got to sleep last night, I felt as if there was no such thing as sleep—but as I turn on a new page, I will try and turn my thoughts to something else—Monday suffered a good deal with pain in my face, and tooth—in the evening took a little ride for exercise, went to Mrs Thompsons, and came home—last night wrote to Mary Henry—received a letter from Jennie Jones Monday morning, she is at home again—Took my painting lesson this morning, and spent the evening in reading and work—good night I will try and not let it be, so long before I write again—I forgot to say I received a “few lines” from Coz, last night—I sent Mr Engelhards cravat up by Cousin Jessie, I am afraid he lost it before he left—but hope not—