Wednesday Night April 5th 1854

I have taken my journal out again, and feel little more like writing than I did last night—What I have been about, I cannot pretend to say, not much however—Way back, to last Tuesday night dear me! Let me see, Thursday I have forgotten all about, yes I remember, I rode up for the children in the evening—Friday morning Grandmama, Mother and I, all went to see Cousin Delia, Sallie, and Miss Polk, only the former at home, (they arrived Tuesday a week ago—) we then went up to see Mollie, found her at home, but not looking very well—pretty—but, she looked sick—we then went to see Mr Tucker, did not stay very long, and came home—Saturday, what did I do—I remember—Friday evening, Mr Nicholson, who was again in Raleigh, called up to see me, spent an hour or so—Saturday morning Messrs Nicholson and Pillow called—the latter promised me, if I attended commencement, he would give me his regalia—but I don’t pretend to expect it. It rained all the evening—Sunday morning went to Church in the evening went again, Mollie walked half way home with me, and I walked part of the way back with her—she told me something, which was news indeed—Monday morning I believe I went down town—in the evening I don’t remember what—me, I don’t know, much of any thing to-night—Tuesday morning, I had just gone over to take my painting lessons when Mrs Thompson sent me word her new things had arrived—so I started off down town, did not return ‘till one o’clock—I remember Monday evening Eliza Haywood, and Delia Little came out to see me—yesterday evening, I had to return to again, Grandmama went with us, got home about dark—I am glad to say, Mr Engelhard received his cravat, “safe and sound” Mr Phifer was in town Monday, he did not call to see me, I saw him at Mr Tuckers store, he gave me Mag’s daguerreotype, Mr Engelhard had sent me to look at—it is beautiful, and I think it will be some time before I finish looking at it—This morning I was up quite early, that is for me, took a short ride, as the children went to school, then went down street, and who, should I see Mr Saunders, (W. J.) he called out to see us, this evening, I don’t think he looks well—I forgot to say (it seems I have forgotten nearly every thing) Cousin William, and Mr Smith called up to see me Tuesday morning while, I was out—I cannot say, I was very sorry, for after persons act, as they have done, I cannot like them so well—unless they were very dear to me—Just to think Cousin is married!! Well I am glad, I know—I hope their married life may be, as bright, and fair as, wasthis wedding day—it will not be very long before they are with us, I shall be very glad to see them—they have loved for a long long time, and I have seen them together a great deal, but it will still be strange to see them “as one”—But I will now turn my thoughts or at least, my words, to where my thoughts have been a good deal for the last day and night—yesterday when I was in town, in the morning, I received a letter from ___ I was very much astonished, I believe he does love me, but what there is to be found in me to love, I cannot see—I wished to answer it to-night, but feel too little like it—not that I for one moment feel doubtful, as to whether, I love him—full well I know I do not—I never could love him, in the light he wishes—I know he is good, and as to his not being wealthy—why if, I loved him, it would give me pleasure, to strive and help him—that point would never weigh with me, one moment—I do not feel any thing, but friendship for him—and know, it never could, grow into love—he wishes me, to promise, that I will not marry before we meet again—it was not, much to ask of me, for I never expect to be married I do not, feel fit to take that step, even if I were to do such a foolish thing, as to fall in love, but I hope to be “Fancy free, and heart whole” for a long time—for ever—It is quite late every one has left me, and gone off to bed—and I feel quite sleepy, with a head-ache, and little toothache to accompany me there—hope I will feel perfectly well in the morning, I received the University Magazine to-night, it is quite good I think—I wonder where Coz & Cousin John are to-night—Mollie came out, and spent a short time with me, this morning, after my return from town, I walked nearly home with her, I was sorry, she left so soon—